It seems as though the beginning of the year means setting a new resolution for life. These usually equal meaningless or frivolous promises to ourselves.
After all the mocking of "New Years Resolutions" here I am making mine.. It isn't the resolution of, 'I'm going to lose 10 lbs' (even though I definitely need to get firmed and toned up..) it isn't the resolution of 'I'm not going to go shopping as much...' (yeah like that'd ever happen!) No, this year I made the resolution to do whatever it took to make my family whole.
It seems so easy to pick a fight or to be angry over something so pointless. To demand something of someone that you are not willing yourself to give.
With David returning from Iraq this past December he had a new attitude and a new way of dealing with things and I am having to learn how to adjust to these things. I have also had to begin relinquishing some control. I have been "in charge" for the past 3 years and to have him come back into our life, I have learned that I can not control everything, that I have to allow him to step in, not allow, but expect it and then step back and not say anything. This has been harder than I realized it would be.
“There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.”
Confucius quotes (China's most famous teacher, philosopher, and political theorist, 551-479 BC)
I believe that this quote is so very true. The experiences that I have had ARE bittersweet and have in SO many ways, given me the wisdom I have needed in dealing with the world, whether in employment, friendship or other family relationships. We should be able to take from every experience at least one thing and be able to apply it to other parts of our lives.
The love, trust and respect that I am demanding of David, I now need to ensure that I am also giving. It is so easy to say "I forgive you" and yet do I? I can honestly say that I have anger and distrust from our past experiences. I try on a daily basis to work on these things, to work them out in my mind and my heart. I want to believe that the man I married is still inside this "new and improved" David.. that his experiences in Iraq have shown him how precious time is.. how much his family and I mean to him.. I keep hoping that this is reality.. yet since he returned to his duty station in Georgia, on a daily basis it's been shown that it is not. I can forgive, but that does not mean I will forget.. only that I will not dwell on it.
So how will I make my resolution happen? How when I deal with anger, distrust, being ignored and so many other things, will I make them equal a positive? The only thing I can definitely say is that I can ask on a daily and sometimes hourly basis that God will soften Davids heart to our cries and pain. I will reinforce to my children that even if they don't hear from their dad on a daily basis, that he does indeed love them. That whatever he is going through right now, he has not forgotten them. I will reinforce that no matter what happens they are loved. I will not be as negative when I speak to David, I will make sure that I have more positives to tell him than negatives. (I mean honestly, if all I heard were negatives why would I call him?) Lastly, I will make sure that every conversation ends on a good note, that he knows how much I love and miss him. After all, isn't that the way it should be?