So this morning I am sitting here, editing, copying, pasting and remembering..
These kids are growing up so fast.. looking at the pictures, remembering their silly expressions and laughs, they are not worrying about what others think, how they look.. only about having fun.. and I sit here wondering how much longer I have until they grow into "adulthood" and leave these precious things behind.
I was always told that "a child is to be seen, not heard". I always believed that to be true, after all that's what I was taught. I think I am coming around to the realization that this doesn't have to be true. I agree that it depends on the circumstances, after all if you are sitting in a church building or a funeral home, the last thing you want to hear are giggles, you want them to learn to be respectful.
I never was much of a "kid" person. They are loud, obnoxious, messy, dirty.. and yet, here I have four of my own. The ones who know me best are still to this day shocked that I have one, let alone four. I never thought that I would have any children, I never wanted any. I didn't have the patience or the temperament needed, I think God decided that it was about time I got some and in heaping portions! I have to admit, I have more patience than I did before, my temperament is.. I think better.. but, I still have my days when I want to pull out the Benadryl and say let's all take a 3 hour nap! (oh, like you've never thought that!)
I grew up more of a tom-boy. I always played baseball or football.. war, anything that the guys did, I truly believed I could do just as well if not better. So, having a daughter that wants to be a "little girl" has been very challenging to me. She does not have the coordination or dexterity to do a lot of the things I want her to do, notice I said that I want her to do, not that she wants to do. She would be perfectly content to do manicures, facials, tea parties, barbie dolls, figure out new hairstyles.. Uh yeah, I don't do that. I am trying to learn how to be the "girly mom" that I need to be, but keep thinking that I am just more of the "let's go play football mom".
I guess as I've looked back on these pictures I have realized that time is going by so fast, I can never get these moments or opportunities with them back. I think of the day when the wonder of the world will leave their eyes and they will only concentrate on work or worry about what they have to get done. I know when those days come, which they inevitably will, I will miss their digging in the dirt, splashing through the puddles, kicking up the leaves or their pressing their faces up against the windows just to get a laugh. It has made me wonder what can we explore next, what can I find for them to "discover on their own" and then show me with pride saying "mom, look what I did" (or) "found".
I only have a few years left. Morgan has already started his journey into the serious adult world, I fear too early. He has worried since he was 3, I kid you not and now, I often wonder if he will ever just be a kid, even though I know he will not. Makayla is entering her teenage attitude stage and that in itself is terrifying. If she's this rotten at 10, I dread 15! Quinlan and Rialan are still at their sweetest. They still love their imaginations and use them constantly. This was my one wish for my kids, that they would never lose their imaginations. I have been very lucky that even though Morgan and Makayla are going through their "moments", they have kept their imaginations close at hand. I hope that Quin and Rialan will do the same.
I have tried to keep in mind over the years something that I decided when I was young. I was never going to grow up. I have to say, there are days when I allow the world and it's problems to get to me and I feel SO old. Then there are days when we go to the circus or the zoo (etc) and I feel so young. Being able to find the little things that they have noticed, that I would have overlooked, are truly amazing.
If there is anything I have learned from my children, it is to look for the wonder in life~ to lay on the ground, looking up at the clouds trying to find the animals, to then roll over and watch the ants, imagining what they are going to build with that boulder they are carrying, or to build a bridge out of sticks and stones and then pour water underneath and watch as it flows into the little 4" pond that is dug out at the end of this amazing child made river. As long as I am able to do this with my children WE will never grow up.
I may have never wanted children, but I think God gave them to me to realize that there is no one that I would rather be with than my children. To teach me that there is more to life than worry, and grief. My children love me without question, they believe in me without fail, they inspire me with their curiosity. I love my children, they are amazing.
"Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it."
~Pamela Glenconner: